In Bondage to a Servant Life

I may have been born a ‘people-pleaser.’

I was raised to contemplate the feelings of others. I was raised to examine my impact in the world. I was raised by the golden rule. Somewhere in there, though, I internalized these noble efforts to supersede my own feelings and needs. Along the path to being a good human, I misunderstood the part I need to play. In my efforts to serve, to be a good neighbor, to ‘do no harm,’ I closed the door on my discomfort, or desires, or pain, or needs. I did not see myself as one of those humans deserving of kindnesses. I believed I was to serve and to be a good neighbor and do no harm even at my own expense.

It has taken many years of breaking myself down and untying a few Gordian knots but I understand this path to being a good human much differently now. I understand how serving each other and protecting ourselves can co-exist. I am learning to reach out to the world when I have the inner strength to support them. I am learning to safeguard my peace when I am depleted. I am learning that the world is not served in the end if I am fracturing my soul in order to salvage someone else’s.

I was not placed in the world to suffer for it. I am here to uplift it – and that includes elevating myself.

Today – I will not make myself smaller for you. I will remind you of everything that makes you grand in your own right.
Today – I will not stifle my words to make you comfortable. I will sit with you in communion while we learn to understand each other better.
Today – I will not starve for you. I will invite you to share our nourishment together and lean on each other for strength.

I will still give of myself – it’s who I am – but I will do it with greater thought now. I believe that being in service to each other is the greatest gift we can give. I have long followed and believed in the “you cannot pour from an empty cup” theory. I believed that I needed to be filled by something in order to give to others. But I always believed that serving others is how my cup was filled. I still believe this, but I understand now that it is only a piece of what I need to fill my cup, to be sustained. My focus was on what I needed in order to pour myself out again as quickly as possible. Like a bucket-brigade of service it was just a fill-and-dump motion. It wasn’t ever about actually being filled.

I receive such joy from helping others. I feel contented when I can do something to ease someone else’s struggle even in very small ways. I have struggled many times in my life. I have created and allowed circumstances when I had only myself to rely upon, and it has been exhausting. When I can mitigate a piece of the exhaustion that someone else may be feeling – I want to do that. It is a deep craving for me. I see now that this how I am trying to find healing and peace for myself. I escape my pain by smoothing someone else’s. I will not find deep and lasting peace this way, though. Helping the world will not heal me. (some of you might want to read that last sentence again) So, now, I am healing parts of me and then reaching out to the world. When I find myself clambering for that next big helper-fix, I know this is when I am in need of self-reflection again. This is when I must take time for me.

The love language I speak is acts of service. The love language I seek is not. This makes things even more challenging. As much as I am gratified by doing things for others, I do not accept the same for myself. I struggle to be open to allow someone to assist me. Asking for help is anathema to me. More than once I have heard the term “lone wolf” used by friends or acquaintances to describe me. That is hard to hear for me. I am proud of my independence; that I have managed to build a pretty good life mostly on my own. But learning that, even long ago as a child, it was evident to others that there were walls I’d put up to keep them at a distance has brought a new understanding of myself…..and sooooo many more questions. The journey of growth continues.

Reviewing my acts of service through a new lens I see that focusing my effort on everyone else in the world meant I did not have to contemplate the walls I’d built. It was my way of keeping a spotlight off of me. I’ve always grappled with attention – the dance between engaging enough to fit in, but not so much that people would notice the flaws and brokenness. The more deep, soul work I do the more I realize that this dance was happening within myself as well. It’s not just others I didn’t want to really see me. I didn’t want to really see me, either. It was all smoke and mirrors to distract from everything I believed I was not.

As I strive to learn more about me it takes time away from being servant to the world – but that’s okay.
As I recognize and acknowledge my emptiness it takes time away from being servant to the world – and that’s still okay.
While I learn how to feed my soul with real and lasting nourishment it takes time away from being servant to the world – and that will always be the right way for me now.

When I am healed I am a much better servant in this world. Those I reach out to deserve a whole person to sit with them. I am striving to become that person.