All4Us….Winds of Change (Sept 2, 2019)

I was drawn to this space as a place to vent, to heal, to offer my struggles and failures; to process my sadness and success or marvel at my joys and wonderings; as a message of hope or of caution to others. It was about my life – given to my son. This has been All4Ryan. He was a long time dream I never thought I’d have. He was a fight I’d never turn away from. He was the center of my universe in every way. This has been my journey as a mom – struggling to become a mom, being a family, and then a single mom filled with more doubts than hopes, more questions than answers, more need than gifts. So I reached to all of you for support. You have been my ear, my shoulder, my staff. And I am grateful.

Time marches on and life changes – we change. Since starting this blog I understand things differently. My opinions and attitudes have changed. Where I used to be open and free with my stories, I have reeled in on the sharing. I understand the need for privacy – for my family and for me – in a new way. While I can’t take back anything I shared in the past, I can make changes today to better align this public space with our private life. Most of this change centers around my son. He is his own person and deserves the chance to say ‘no thank you’ to our personal stories becoming public. He always deserved this chance, even when I did not offer it to him. I know better now, and most of the time his response is a clear ‘no thank you’ when I ask to share a picture or a comment. And that’s okay. But, this space that used to be filled with his wise-for-his-years commentary on life and our two-lost-souls-trying-to-find-our-way struggles & triumphs is beginning to look very different. I have been very focused on my son – mostly with good reasons and sometimes with poor excuses. But I am fulfilling my job to help him grow in independence. So I let him be his own person (which to me usually looks more like Mowgli the wild child with no parents). As long as he is respectful to others and relatively safe….I let him be. He is learning his own lessons from success and trials. My mom role – the one that brought me to this space – is changing.

And now…there is me.

I never thought we’d be here. I honestly didn’t think about having a life of my own. I have been so focused on doing what I needed to for him, I forgot about me outside the mom role. All4Ryan was not just a blog name – that was my mission statement.

It’s challenging to try to figure out who you are after 50. I mean – you’re pretty well set then, right? Except I spent the first two-thirds of my life being who others wanted me to be and then the next 15 years being who my son needed me to be. And now I get to be me. But….I don’t really know who that is. So, maybe this space is now part of my journey to figure that out. I’m sure you’ve noticed that my most recent entries are more about me and less about my son. I’ve struggled with this both from feeling vulnerable in my exposure and in feeling neglectful as a parent. It’s neither and it is both. But….this appears to be where I am now.

My writing has never really been by design. I learned long ago not to try to steer my words in one direction or another. My words lead me – every time. They are in control. I’ve lost count of how many times I sat at my keyboard, furiously typing as the letters mash together one after another, only to read over my words when I’m done and be left dumbfounded. I have read words that made me cry, that revealed truths I’d failed to see previously, that brought laughter in the midst of sorrow. They are my words….but I didn’t know they were me until someone (me) wrote them down and let me read them.

So….this space is changing. While my heart will still (and always) be All4Ryan, my words are leading me down a new path, one that wanders from my stories….to his….to ours. To be more fitting…we will now be All4Us.

Tag along, but only if you can be nice. One thing I DO know about me….I don’t tolerate unkind people. It’s not hard to simply be nice. Welcome to the new adventure.

Advertisement