Independence Is Overrated (day 7)

aloneToday was a day of wild weather.  As I alluded to yesterday, I had a long night of watching weather reports and wondering if I should close our childcare center or stay open and brave the elements.  After much wrestling, I decided to stay open.  This was probably not the decision some people thought (or hoped) I would make.  But I made it and stand behind it.  Sometimes it’s exhausting to be solely responsible for a big decision like this.  I say ‘solely’ but I do have people that I talk to about pros and cons and possible scenarios.  In the end, however, it’s my decision and mine alone – good or bad, right or wrong.

That’s how it is in my private life, too – my decision – alone.  I need to decide by myself, whether to repair or replace appliances, whether to hire a friend or a professional to fix the roof, what to do about the progressively deteriorating driveway, how to remedy the leaks in the basement, how much money can be used toward the food budget this week, can I trust the generic brand toilet paper, can I push off the oil change and preventative maintenance for the car one more month to save money, what chores should I expect of my son, am I following the right treatment for his ADHD and Aspergers, should I refinance my mortgage.  It’s a lot of things.  And, sometimes, it feels like everything.  Everything can feel very overwhelming.

Tonight was not overwhelming but it was disheartening.  After the blizzard today there was a lot of snow that needed to be removed from my extensive driveway in order for me to get to work tomorrow morning.  Without a thought, after dinner and some play time with my son, I went out to use the snow blower.  Only, it didn’t quite work the way I’d hoped.  The electric start failed, but I got it started.  Then the power drive seemed to wax and wane, but I hefted it around and kept plugging along.  Next the wind picked up and blew everything back into my face (brrrrrrr).  The snow had packed firmly along the garage door threshold so the door wouldn’t close tightly and ice built up along the track where the cold and wind got at it.  The result: the door was frozen about 2 inches from the ground.  After some digging and picking I got the garage door down.  But, then the door to my breezeway was hindered by snow pack and wouldn’t close.  I finally gave up on that – there’s already quite a snow drift in there from the door being blown open during the day while I was at work, one more night won’t matter.

I was capable of taking care of everything tonight, but at one point on the walk down the long driveway with the biting wind pushing back against my face I just got sad.  I can do this, I don’t like that I have to do it.  This isn’t the life I wanted or imagined for myself.  I had someone that I believed in very much and never thought I’d have to do things by myself again.  But life changes and sometimes not in ways that we like.  So, this is my life now.  Most of the time, I’m really okay with it.  But tonight I missed having someone to do these things with me (or for me).  Tonight, alone felt lonely.

Adam Levine was quoted as saying “I am fiercely independent, but I’m also terrified of being alone.”  I guess I’m a little like that.  I’m not terrified, but I certainly don’t like it very much sometimes.

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