Drowning in the Vortex (day 6)

meltingToday was a beautiful day! There was sunshine, and the temperature was nearly triple what it has been over the past few weeks! The average temperature this past month was in the low 20s – yes that was AVERAGE! (and there were some 45+ degree days in there!) But today….today was lovely! Children were playing outside, snow banks were melting away and there were visions of parking spaces and gardens that have been hidden under cold white blankets for a long time.

Yet, half of my day was spent planning and reorganizing for the possibility of a big snow storm that is reportedly coming our way tomorrow. Blizzard conditions – more than a foot of wet/heavy snow, 40+mph winds. What??! The sun is out! It’s 52 degrees!! Children are skipping down the sidewalk!! How can there be a snow storm?!?!

But, there is. And I have to address what it means to our business when there are dangerous driving conditions, when schools are closed, when staff can’t get to work. At times I felt like a child with a book report due on a sunny early summer day – daydreaming, longingly watching and listening outside my window. I wanted to yell: IT’S NOT FAIR!

Why can’t I enjoy the beauty of this moment without having it overshadowed by a shadowy storm cloudBLIZZARD-2T? I wonder if our plowing service will get our parking lot cleared on time. The last BIG storm we had, he couldn’t (and we couldn’t clear our sidewalks). I wonder if my son will have school, and where will he go if there is no school. I wonder how many staff will be stuck at their homes (several live quite a distance from work). I wonder how many children we will have at the childcare center – more than usual (with school agers that don’t have school) or fewer than normal (with closed businesses and driving bans). Will I have enough staff for however many children might come in? This beautiful day was lost amid the wondering and planning for ugly, grey snow.  I won’t sleep much tonight while I watch the weather channels and try to decipher our ability to stay open and what our day might look like tomorrow.

I wish I could live more for today, for this moment. I wish I could let go of the past – especially the bad parts. I wish I could enjoy the present. I wish I didn’t worry about the future so much. There needs to be a happy medium where you are aware of your past and learn from it to not repeat mistakes. And where you can be mindful of the future without missing out on current joyful moments because of “what ifs.”  Why can’t I live in that space?

I’m not sure I ever have lived in that happy medium.  I’m not sure I ever will.  I’ve always been haunted by the past and tortured by the future.  So, I guess my job now is to fully embrace those fleeting moments of joy that I experience in between the haunting and torture.

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