The Slacker Friend (day 5)

It was one of those moments where you feel your heart jump as it’s pounding its way out of your chest. Your eyes open wide – literally and figuratively. You whole body goes into fight-or-flight mode automatically. Only….there’s nowhere to flee and no one to fight (except yourself).

I had that moment tonight when I wrote a check and realized what day it was. I’m not sure I had written the date any time earlier in the day. If I did, it didn’t resonate with me that it is a special day. It is a friend’s birthday today. A friend I saw (a few times) today, yet I did not say “happy birthday” to him.

This is a wonderful, generous, caring friend and for his birthday I gave him…..NOTHING. Not even a hug and a smile. How could I do that?? How could I not remember it’s his birthday and tell him/show him how much I appreciate him?? What kind of friend does that??

I can sit here and make excuses. I have many: the time change; busy day; lots of phone calls; sick kids; time cards; staff issues; weather changes; my shoes felt funny……I’m sure I could come up with more of them. They’re not valid, though. The only valid excuse is – I am self-absorbed. I am so focused on my problems (or how other people’s problems affect me) that I forget important things like friends’ birthdays.

I hate this part of who I am. I often consider ending this blog because I wonder if it is contributing to my narcissism.  I have to actually tell myself, in certain situations, to remember not to talk about myself but to focus on others. How sad it that?!  It shouldn’t be that hard, right?  I mean – I do think about other people.  I wonder how people are feeling, I want to help when others struggle.  I worry about friends and strangers.  When I’m shopping I often pick out things for anybody but me.  And I certainly don’t think my life is that interesting that anybody wants to hear about it.  But, I open my mouth and out it comes “I….” or “My…..” or “Me, me, me!”

Do you know that in this post alone the word “I’ has been used 30 times – and that doesn’t count the personal references using other pronouns.  ((sigh))  I know the self-centeredness has increased more recently because of a desperate sense of survival, relying only on myself.  (Okay – so there’s more things I need to work on, let’s just focus on this egotism for now).  I even avoid most fund-raisers because my robust dislike for crowded places overtakes my passionate desire to help.  It makes me sad that I have let this take over my life and I have become a slacker friend in the process.

I wish I could hug my friend now.  I want to tell him that I did have his birthday written in my calendar.  I thought of him last night.  I had planned to wish him the happiest of birthdays filled with every wish-come-true.  I wanted to buy him the best treat.  I’m sorry!  Someday I’ll learn to be a better friend – the kind that will NOT forget to say “Happy Birthday” to you!