The Cluttered Mind

I watch my son struggle some days with sensory processing disorder and ADHD tendencies.  His actions and words are an outward manifestation of the chaos I can only imagine in happening in his mind and body.  Physical movement and mental activity never cease for him. His wringing hands and tightly shut eyes tell a story of discomfort.  There are days he does math two grade levels above his own as if it were his regular school lessons.  Other days I watch him struggle with simple addition.  He is old enough now to understand these challenges.  He knows he should be able to do the work, which only adds to his frustration.  The fidgeting becomes physical agitation.  He retreats, both mentally and physically.  His struggles leave him exhausted.  With sleep may come a welcomed calm, and hopefully a new sence of order when he wakes.  Finally, his mind finds some quiet.

I’ve struggled with a cluttered mind while working on this blog project.  My hope, at the beginning of Lent, was to have time set aside each day to really think about God at work in the world and in my life.  Writing was supposed to bring my thoughts more in line with where God wants me to be, or to help me identify and change those paths that are taking me far away from where I should be.  In truth, some nights this blog has been just one more thing I still needed to do.  It became a chore.  I didn’t relish the time to ponder God’s love and fulfilling promises.  I wasn’t fully engaged.  Comments and activities from the day – challenges at work, frustrations over dinner, homework battles – consumed my thoughts, eating away any connection I may have found to faith.

I believe many of us struggle with a cluttered mind.  I find this to be the biggest challenge in my relationship with God.  Everything else gets in the way.  Some things I am willing to let go of, move past.  Once I realize and acknowledge them I can alter my habits to no longer include those interruptions.  Some things, I am not so quick to cast aside.  A big road block in my relationship with God is my son.  And, unlike Abraham, I am not willing to sacrifice my son for God.  That is the sin from which I cannot escape.

My hesitation is not because I don’t love or trust God, but rather because I am a flawed person who is completely focused on the blessing of my child.  I know this fact.  I know this is not how it should be.  But, I am not ready to change that – not yet anyway.  My mind will always be filled with, consumed with, my son.

So, for now I muddle through the clutter, hoping to find clarity in my relationship with God and the ability to accept life in all its fullness.