Back from Hiatus

Two years ago I tried a new project.  Instead of giving something up for Lent, I chose to change my discipline and add something new – writing.  Every day.  I almost made it.  Personal heartache from a marriage in peril and the death of my grandmother proved too much to fight through on some days.  But I was proud of what I did accomplish in my project.

Well, last year, I couldn’t find the strength to write at all.  That’s not really true.  It wasn’t about strength.  I felt like I had nothing to share – or no one I wanted to share it with.  I had reached a point of such mistrust that I chose to stay silent a lot.  If I don’t share, it can’t be twisted and used against me.  If I keep to myself, no one can make up lies.  If I don’t care about anyone, they can’t hurt me.  I built huge walls and spent lots of energy fortifying them.  Nobody was getting in again.  I wasn’t going to be the fool, again.  I felt empty.  My joy was gone.  Not happiness – joy.  That part deep inside that reminds you of all the good things in life – even when it all looks bad.  I even had to fake a smile for my son once in a while.  No child deserves that – especially not from his mother!

I’m not sure how far I’ve moved past any of that.  I still don’t share a lot.  I still fake the smiles.  I still can’t trust.  I haven’t found joy again.  But I have let some of the anger go (not all, but some).  My faith is floundering.  I don’t doubt – but I also don’t feel the fullness that is meant for us.  I used to, and it felt good.  So tomorrow, as I receive ashes on my head, I will make my covenant to write again during Lent.  Every day.  Maybe somewhere in the words I will find joy.   Here we go…

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